As we speak, I am listening to my daughter be a royal pain in the ass. There is apparently a tiff going on with her and her friend. She's called Friend at least 10 times in the past 15 minutes. The girl is - I assume - hanging up on her. And A keeps calling her back. I've considered telling her to stop, but then whatever emotion she's currently feeling will be transferred on to me.
Ali is a person who has only one friendship at a time. And those friendships are intense - bordering on unhealthy. She obsesses about them. Wants to consume all their time. And gets angry when the person wants to spend time with someone else (even if A is present). There's a part of it that seems to blur the lines between a romantic relationship and a friendship. For example, A writes this particular girl's name all over her jeans. I don't ever remember writing my friends name on my jeans. People I thought were hot, yes. People I wanted to kiss, yes. Never just a friend. So I'm thinking that she's having trouble distinguishing between romantic feelings and friendships. Maybe this girl knows that A has romantic feelings for her, but I'm thinking not.
OMG, she just said, "Please don't ignore me".
Ouch.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Someone left a little bag of Halloween goodies on my desk. The bag contained 2 mini Twix bars, 2 mini 3 Musketeers, 2 rolls of Smarties and a small box of Milk Duds.
I don't like Milk Duds. So I just ate everything else.
I don't like Milk Duds. So I just ate everything else.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The girls have been looking at porn on the internet. Their computer is right off of the TV room but there is a door that closes so it was probably happening while I sat watching Project Runway. So I had to think through what the most appropriate response was. I can't rightly call myself sex positive if I go all Puritan when my kids explore sexuality, can I? The thought process went something like this:
Q: Why would 11 & 12 year old girls look at porn?
A: Because they are curious about what sex or sex organs look like. Because someone at school was talking about it. Lot's of reasons that aren't necessarily maladaptive.
Q: Would I react differently to this if it were my son rather than my daughters?
A: Maybe. J was about 11 when I came home to find a spread-eagle picture on my printer. My reaction was 1) "Don't leave these on the printer for your (then 4 year old) sisters to see"; and 2) "Printer ink is really expensive. Do you think you could just look at it online?"
Q: Why is it different?
A: Because they could see things that they do not yet have the context for that would give them a skewed idea of women, sexuality, kink, etc (actually, that was Bill's response to the question). That would have been true for J as well - I don't think I had thought through it very well at that point. Basically, the difference in my response is more a function of time-passing on my part rather than the sex of the child.
Q: So what is the correct response?
A: I told the girls that there was porn on their computer. Since you had to click a button saying that you were 18 to get to those sites and that they were clearly not, this is a problem. Even though they may not understand why, there are good reasons that there is an age requirement for going to certain sites. If they are curious about something specific to let me know and I would find pictures for them that were more appropriate. If there is porn on the computer again, it will go away for a very long time. And by the way, in most cases the porn you see on the internet bears about the same resemblance to most real people's sex lives as Hannah Montana bears to your life. Take anything you might have seen with a grain of salt.
I have no idea if this was the best approach or not, but at least I don't think I did any harm to their sexual identities. I'm hoping there are more conversations about what they might have seen coming up, but I'm going to let this one rest for a while. I'll keep you posted!
Q: Why would 11 & 12 year old girls look at porn?
A: Because they are curious about what sex or sex organs look like. Because someone at school was talking about it. Lot's of reasons that aren't necessarily maladaptive.
Q: Would I react differently to this if it were my son rather than my daughters?
A: Maybe. J was about 11 when I came home to find a spread-eagle picture on my printer. My reaction was 1) "Don't leave these on the printer for your (then 4 year old) sisters to see"; and 2) "Printer ink is really expensive. Do you think you could just look at it online?"
Q: Why is it different?
A: Because they could see things that they do not yet have the context for that would give them a skewed idea of women, sexuality, kink, etc (actually, that was Bill's response to the question). That would have been true for J as well - I don't think I had thought through it very well at that point. Basically, the difference in my response is more a function of time-passing on my part rather than the sex of the child.
Q: So what is the correct response?
A: I told the girls that there was porn on their computer. Since you had to click a button saying that you were 18 to get to those sites and that they were clearly not, this is a problem. Even though they may not understand why, there are good reasons that there is an age requirement for going to certain sites. If they are curious about something specific to let me know and I would find pictures for them that were more appropriate. If there is porn on the computer again, it will go away for a very long time. And by the way, in most cases the porn you see on the internet bears about the same resemblance to most real people's sex lives as Hannah Montana bears to your life. Take anything you might have seen with a grain of salt.
I have no idea if this was the best approach or not, but at least I don't think I did any harm to their sexual identities. I'm hoping there are more conversations about what they might have seen coming up, but I'm going to let this one rest for a while. I'll keep you posted!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I slept hard until the alarm went off at 5am (Valerian Root is a good thing). Out the door by 5:45, I was on my way to Detroit for my very first official 'race'. I navigated The Lodge, found a parking place and made it to the shuttle with plenty of time to spare. The bus made it to the drop point for my leg of the relay by about 8 and then.....I waited. And waited. And waited. My hand off didn't come until 11:20 - more than an hour after the time that we had estimated.
The best part was hooking up with a fellow named Cecil who was in his early 60's. His wife of 43 years came home last year and decided she didn't want to be married to him anymore. So, he decided to run a marathon. We met up at the 20 mile marker (point of clarification: Cecil had gone 20 miles. I was in mile 2 of my 3 mile leg) just about the time that my 'running' started to slow down. Chatting with Cecil and keeping up with his walking pace still kept me at about 3.6 mph. I'm sure that without Cecil, my time would have been far worse than what it was since my legs beg for a 3.0 pace when they're tired.
The worse part was that we were pretty disorganized as a team. People weren't where they were supposed to be. Even though I wasn't highly concerned about time, that little competitive streak in me made me really anxious that we were one of the last 15 teams to start my leg. I don't mind that I'm not first, but damned if I want to be last!
Things that I've learned (about running and about myself):
1) Don't do relays. I don't like waiting for someone else to get there before I can start.
2) Take food for afterward.
3) Don't take a jacket and tie it around your waist. It bogs you down.
4) Having people yell and clap as I run by does not motivate me. In fact, I feel a little embarrassed.
5) People die doing marathons.
6) There is a huge pile of stripped off clothing all along a marathon route.
7) Underarmour is hot (temperature wise).
8) Underarmour is not hot (sexy wise) when worn as clothing.
9) Run Keeper on my iPhone may or may not track the same time as the chip on my shoe.
10) Many of the stories I have been telling myself for the past 43 years about who I am aren't accurate.
All in all, I'm really proud of myself. I'm proud that I got up at 5am, drove myself to Detroit, found parking and made it to the shuttle without much anxiety. Proud that I ran as much as I could and walked when I couldn't and made it to the end of my leg successfully. Proud that I found my car, found M-10 and found my way back home without incident. Next time (December), 45 minutes.
The best part was hooking up with a fellow named Cecil who was in his early 60's. His wife of 43 years came home last year and decided she didn't want to be married to him anymore. So, he decided to run a marathon. We met up at the 20 mile marker (point of clarification: Cecil had gone 20 miles. I was in mile 2 of my 3 mile leg) just about the time that my 'running' started to slow down. Chatting with Cecil and keeping up with his walking pace still kept me at about 3.6 mph. I'm sure that without Cecil, my time would have been far worse than what it was since my legs beg for a 3.0 pace when they're tired.
The worse part was that we were pretty disorganized as a team. People weren't where they were supposed to be. Even though I wasn't highly concerned about time, that little competitive streak in me made me really anxious that we were one of the last 15 teams to start my leg. I don't mind that I'm not first, but damned if I want to be last!
Things that I've learned (about running and about myself):
1) Don't do relays. I don't like waiting for someone else to get there before I can start.
2) Take food for afterward.
3) Don't take a jacket and tie it around your waist. It bogs you down.
4) Having people yell and clap as I run by does not motivate me. In fact, I feel a little embarrassed.
5) People die doing marathons.
6) There is a huge pile of stripped off clothing all along a marathon route.
7) Underarmour is hot (temperature wise).
8) Underarmour is not hot (sexy wise) when worn as clothing.
9) Run Keeper on my iPhone may or may not track the same time as the chip on my shoe.
10) Many of the stories I have been telling myself for the past 43 years about who I am aren't accurate.
All in all, I'm really proud of myself. I'm proud that I got up at 5am, drove myself to Detroit, found parking and made it to the shuttle without much anxiety. Proud that I ran as much as I could and walked when I couldn't and made it to the end of my leg successfully. Proud that I found my car, found M-10 and found my way back home without incident. Next time (December), 45 minutes.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The Packaging
Life has such a rude way of serving up those teachable moments at times that you'd really rather not learn something new. It's not secret that I've become hypersensitive to the 'isms' since I've been taking the multiculturalism class - and I guess that is to be expected. Except....
...except I didn't expect to start to see the ways in which I myself am discriminated against.
The euphemism for what's going on is that my 'packaging' needs some work. And this is presented to me as a developmental opportunity. At first they said "If you want to be successful here, you have to improve your packaging." Now, it's just become clear that my mere presence effects them much the same way it effects a cat when you rub its fur in the wrong direction. I'm reminded that "It's a man's world" and that I'd do well to learn the rules for playing in it. I don't look "right" - my hair is uncolored and worn natural. I don't speak "right" - I say "folks" and "yep". I laugh loudly at jokes and sit in the floor to play with my co-worker's child. I talk about the elephant in the room. I cry.
My work is solid and yet it gets picked apart. And I can't help but wonder if it's because of my packaging.
...except I didn't expect to start to see the ways in which I myself am discriminated against.
The euphemism for what's going on is that my 'packaging' needs some work. And this is presented to me as a developmental opportunity. At first they said "If you want to be successful here, you have to improve your packaging." Now, it's just become clear that my mere presence effects them much the same way it effects a cat when you rub its fur in the wrong direction. I'm reminded that "It's a man's world" and that I'd do well to learn the rules for playing in it. I don't look "right" - my hair is uncolored and worn natural. I don't speak "right" - I say "folks" and "yep". I laugh loudly at jokes and sit in the floor to play with my co-worker's child. I talk about the elephant in the room. I cry.
My work is solid and yet it gets picked apart. And I can't help but wonder if it's because of my packaging.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Know what I hate? "The Others". I hate them all. I wish they would all go away. Family adoption SUCKS ROYAL ASS because of "The Others" and how they all seem to think they have some right to your child. Everyone thinks that it's better for her to have a relationship with them. Every. Fucking. Worthless. One. Every one that's ever lied to her, let her down and put their own selfish desires before her thinks that they have some right to call her on her birthday. Her freaking BIRTHDAY that should be filled with joy and happiness and celebration ends up being a day of dodging phone calls on your home phone and your cell phone and text messages. All from people who think they have a right because 'they love her'.
Well, ya know what? Your love isn't enough. Your love is horribly insufficient. Your love is worthless.
There are two people here that are doing this fucking hard work called parenting. And a whole lot of people are backing us up. And it certainly ain't because it's all blue skies and bunnies, I can promise you that. It's because we love her and we know that she deserves better than your insufficient love. Go play Daddy somewhere else.
Well, ya know what? Your love isn't enough. Your love is horribly insufficient. Your love is worthless.
There are two people here that are doing this fucking hard work called parenting. And a whole lot of people are backing us up. And it certainly ain't because it's all blue skies and bunnies, I can promise you that. It's because we love her and we know that she deserves better than your insufficient love. Go play Daddy somewhere else.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Racism of the Day
I've decided that when I encounter racism, I'm going to document it here. Why? Well, because I'm taking a class on multiculturalism and it seems like I've become painfully aware of racism. Hyper-aware. And so as sort of a reality check, I'm going to document it and come back to it later on.
Today I was discussing a project with 3 other people - 2 black and one white. The project was to improve the performance of the kitchen staff in one of our hospitals. Apparently the leadership of the Food Services team is all white and the staff is all black. When I suggested that we do some development for the staff around our Team Member Standards of Excellence, similar to what I have done with a few other teams. I let them know that we had evaluated how each person on the team was performing against the TSE and then they put together a development plan for how they would improve that involved things like taking a class, reading a book, getting mentor, etc. One of the ladies in the meeting (who happens to be an Employee Relations person) said "When you talk about these people, they're very basic. They aren't going to do things like read books. I just don't think that kind of thing works for them."
Today I was discussing a project with 3 other people - 2 black and one white. The project was to improve the performance of the kitchen staff in one of our hospitals. Apparently the leadership of the Food Services team is all white and the staff is all black. When I suggested that we do some development for the staff around our Team Member Standards of Excellence, similar to what I have done with a few other teams. I let them know that we had evaluated how each person on the team was performing against the TSE and then they put together a development plan for how they would improve that involved things like taking a class, reading a book, getting mentor, etc. One of the ladies in the meeting (who happens to be an Employee Relations person) said "When you talk about these people, they're very basic. They aren't going to do things like read books. I just don't think that kind of thing works for them."
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